Erika turns 21 weeks old.

[aliki]

First day of work. It was a 5-hour day so I was home by 1 pm. As I left, Brian was holding her such that she was up peering over his shoulder, and I leaned in and kissed her goodbye, and as Brian walked away to change her diaper, she had the biggest grin on her face, as she bounced up and down on his shoulder with his walking gait, and I nearly threw my car keys down, ran to the phone, and called to turn in my resignation. But I didn't: I steeled myself and marched to the car without looking back, cried on the way there, but everything was fine once I arrived. She took the expressed breastmilk in a bottle like you all said she would in my absence. What a relief. B and her went to the baby store and bought blocks and a ring stacker, and then went on two walks with the dog. I thought about her the whole time. Showed all my coworkers wallet-size photos of her. Tried not to cry.

I cried a lot yesterday, in anticipation. I was such a mess. I spent yesterday cuddling with her in bed, then holding her all day, and then sleeping with her, even for her naps. She must've thought "what's with Mommy today?! She's so NEEDY." I broke down at night and told B "I just can't do it" and ran to the bathroom and cried. Then ran back and grabbed Erika from him and nestled my head in her neck, and she threw her arms up around my neck and hugged me tightly back, and my heart near broke in two.

On to other stuff or I'm going to start bawling again.

Her latest "trick" when lying on her back is to bend her knees so her feet are near her butt, dig her heels in hard, and arch her back. This gets her moving in the direction of her head. She ends up looking like an inchworm; crawling across the bed, the floor, the sofa, her changing table... I guess that's one way to move, if you dont know how to crawl.

Diapering her has also turned into an acrobatic feat requiring four hands; now that she's into grabbing everything. She grabs the pile of diapers near her head, she grabs my hair, she pulls on my shirt, she grabs her toes and wont let go of them, she rolls over so I'm staring at her back. If I hold her down, her legs start flailing at super warp-speed so it sounds like I'm trying to get the diaper near a kitchen beater--- THWAP THWAP THWAP go her feet against the changing pad, and she raises her legs up again as she furiously paddles them out of my reach.

She's developing some stranger anxiety, especially if new faces approach her very quickly and get within one foot of her face. If Brian or I are holding her, she'll give them a wide-eyed "I dont know about this" look with a trembling lip; but if I pass her to somebody or she's sitting in her stroller, she bursts into hysterical, sobbing wails. On Monday she got herself so worked up she turned red in the face and tears poured down her face, and I realized she cried less when she got four big vaccinations in her thigh. Don't get me wrong-- she screamed bloody murder after the injections; but today she acted like I'd abandoned her for days with baby-eating zombies, when in truth I was standing next to her pushing her stroller, while someone leaned in and said "hello!" with a big smile.

Her sleep has been impossible. I guess the "four-month wakeful period" continues. She doesn't have a lot of trouble going to sleep: the problem is STAYING asleep. She seems to wake after 2 hours of sleep and we have to rush back to her crib and either burp her, feed her, change her diaper, pop the pacifier back in, comfort her, or all of the above. However, if she's sleeping snuggled up against my body in the crook of my arm, she can sleep for hours. This is fine at night, but I'm not sleepy at 2 pm and I would like to eat dinner at 6 pm, so lying in bed with her is a little inconvenient at times.

Comments

[-evalution.livejournal.com]

<3 aww, just aww. sigh.

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*hugs*