Parenthood: gender differences?

[aliki]

(This is a follow-up to my poll, found here: http://aliki.livejournal.com/465388.html)

We were in NYC enjoying lunch, when we had a conversation that more or less went like this:

Clare: I go back to work in 8 days.
Carol (Clare's sister): On Sept 1?
Clare: Yeah. *sad face*
Brian: And I'm off work for six weeks! [Ed note: He's taking paternity leave]
Clare: Taking care of Erika IS WORK.
Brian: Well, it's hard; but it's not hard like working.
Clare: Yes it is!
Brian: At work you have to deal with clients, and deadlines, and phone calls. It's so stressful!
Clare: If you don't do your job as a parent, someone dies!
Brian: If I don't do my job at work, lots of people die. [Ed note: He's an architect]
Clare: But with Erika, you always have to be so vigilant and watch her. At work, you can take lunch breaks, check your email, zone out.
Carol: Yeah, you can put things off for another day; it's not pressing the way a baby's demands are.
Clare: I'm telling you.. looking after Erika full-time, all day, is harder than work will ever be.
Brian: Then you must have a very easy job.

Steam must've been coming out my ears with fury, because Brian gave me the "you're not convincing me but I'm going to shut up or this is all ending up on Clare's Livejournal" look, and went back to eating his lunch.

Clare: **not able to let it go** You're sleep deprived, and lonely, and exhausted, and she still wants to play or nurse or she gets bored and wants to go outside, then she's overstimulated and cranky and wants to go inside!
Carol: And with work, you can take breaks. Parenthood is like pulling a college all-nighter... and then doing it over and over again, every night, for several months straight.

~~~~~~~~~

I think there are gender differences involved, regardless of the jobs we hold: him being an architect, constantly faced with deadlines and pushy customers who dont know what they want and me being a high school teacher. I think it has to do with our roles as parents in the early months.

As many posters point out, early motherhood is round-the-clock nursing (if you breastfeed), waking every 2 hours to burp, nurse, and change diapers. During the day, the infant clings to you like glue and protests when you put them down (even for the short duration it takes for mom to drink some water or go to the bathroom). Fathers-- well, unless it's spacefem's situation where you have a stay-at-home-dad-- their lives go on, pretty similar to pre-fatherhood. They dont have to contend with feeling like you were hit by a freight-train after labor, you dont bleed from your nether-regions for six to eight weeks, you dont feel like your breasts have swelled to 4 times their size and are about to explode from engorgement.

And janehex once wrote, the infant sees your face all day and gives you the "poker face" stare, and then dad walks in the door after work, and her face lights up and she, giggling, starts to bat her arms for him to hold and play with her.

smittenbyu writes, "My husband says he doesn't feel being a parent just yet, as I am the one taking care of her physical needs. He says he is enjoying the perks of it as he goes to work, comes home and plays (although he does a lot more than he gives himself credit for)" which I think is what Brian feels too. Erika is four-and-a-half months old, and his weekday interaction with her involves kissing her goodbye in the morning (if she's awake, half the time she's taking her morning nap when he leaves), and then seeing her excited face when he returns at 7pm. We eat dinner, then the two of them play for 30 minutes, then it's bathtime, then bedtime at 9pm. Weekends we split the caregiving 50-50, but still, it's 50-50. You get to take a break to eat, to go to the bathroom, to sit in a quiet room and decompress while the other parent is there to hold her.

Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. Motherhood, by far, is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. But I find, as the primary caregiver, that after cosleeping with someone who hogs the bed and kicks in her sleep, then being alone with her from morning till 7pm, I am exhausted!

This is, by far, harder than any job I've ever held.

Comments

[krisnake.livejournal.com]

Tony didn't realize how hard it was until he took care of Malcolm by himself for an extended period of time. He willingly admits that he would not be able to do anything other than take care of the kid(s). I also take care of the kids and do housework/cook meals.

[aliki.livejournal.com]

The longest Brian has been with Erika is 5 hours on a Saturday afternoon when I went to a baby shower.

I cosleep with Erika from 2 am till she awakes at 7 am, normally nursing twice and changing her diaper once. Then I'm awake and caring for her for 12 hours till Brian gets home at 7 pm. Like you, I also cook dinner every night.

Brian said over dinner last night, in regards to the topic, "I'm sure [Erika] will prove me wrong" (about it being easier than work) and I just smiled. My work hours are much shorter than his, though, so he won't have to be home alone with her for 12 hours ever. When I go back to work, I think he'll have 8 hours.. which is still a sizable amount of time, every day!

[breakableheart.livejournal.com]

Having full care of another human being is work. The end.

[jfoufou.livejournal.com]

So Brian will be staying home with Erika during his paternity leave? If that's the case, he's in for a rude awakening!

Both working outside the home at a paid job and staying at home to take care of baby/child is WORK. Both are demanding in their own ways, but staying at home requires you to be 'on' 24/7. When Cai was a newborn and I was home for 5 mths, there were days I resented L. coz he got to trot off to work and had a separate sphere. And then when I became a SAHM, one of the harder adjustments was that I couldn't just zone out for 15mins and waste time online - I was at a toddler's beck and call (well, within reason). So having been on both sides of the fence, I'd have to say Brian is WRONG!!!!

I remember our ped in Houston -who had her first child when Cai was a few months old - told me that motherhood was way harder than medical school, residency or anything else she'd ever done, LOL. That story always makes me chuckle.

[aliki.livejournal.com]

Yeah, he's taking six weeks paternity leave until Erika turns six months old, then she's starting daycare (at the one near my school).

Weekdays, he normally spends 2 hours wake-time with her (7 - 9pm) and 5 hours sleep-time (9 pm - 2am, she's asleep and he's awake watching her). Weekends, we do 50-50. So one of us will watch her while the other does chores (mostly vacuuming, paying bills, laundry...)

I think he is very capable as a dad and certainly does his fair share, but I'm sure he'll be quite surprised at how exhausting (and lonely) it can be with her for 8+ hours a day, every day, with no end in sight!

[-evalution.livejournal.com]

i think that's awesome! and will be so great for erika. also, regarding your worries about her bottle feeding, if push came to shove, could brian bring her to you at school during lunch or break times? my youngest sister would never take a bottle. my mom was fortunate enough to have a babysitter who would bring my sister into my mom's office so she could nurse while my mom was at work.

[janehex.livejournal.com]

I can't wait for the day when my husband gets his first full day with Freya. It won't be any time soon, but sometime in the future I will go off to Seattle for five or six hours and when I come home I look forward to him telling me how hard it was! Ha.

But seriously, he's a great dad and has empathy for me and I'm sure he'll do fine but it would be nice for him to experience the physical, mental, emotional toll it takes.

She turned ten months old today, and only recently are we in a place where I can sort of count on a two-hour "break" in the afternoon while she naps. But that's when Mommy gets caught up on housework and maybe does dinner prep, etc. I don't just sit around eating bon bons, sadly.

[smittenbyu]

a few moms and I met this afternoon and were also talking about how it's for us being home full time with babies and how it's when father's home with the babies.

Some similar thoughts had come up... when hubby is home with baby, I am still around to be there to bring stuff, etc. Similar case for moms. Again not to say that N is not doing anything to help. He does a lot, but in regards to "parenting" he feels he is not as involved.

We are planning a woman's day out... leave the babies with dads for the day... ;)

[zaplightsmusic.livejournal.com]

i think Erika will certainly prove him wrong -- and at least he's willing to concede that!

i think this illusion that it's easier comes from the idea that it's 'a labour of love' which work isn't necessarily. but of course just because it's a labour of love, doesn't mean it's not effin' hard labour!! starting with birth - literally! lol.

[guineaus.livejournal.com]

I think it is great that Brian is taking 6 weeks paternity!

Dave often will say, oh Mathilda sleeps great, she slept through the night and I will give him the look. But he is also an awesome Dad and especially as Autumn has gotten older and more independent has been able to do much more with her. She is really a Daddy's girl.

Hope your first day back to work goes well, if you need any advice on pumping at work or whatever, let me know.