aliki | What do SAHWs do?

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What do SAHWs do?

Note: NOT stay-at-home-moms but rather stay-at-home-wives.

I think I posted a rant about this a few years ago, so I wont rehash how I feel that people, regardless of their gender, need to find something productive to do with their lives, something they feel passionate about, something that enriches their community. I cringe at the line: "well, my husband makes enough for us to live comfortably on one income" because is that what a job is to you? Shouldn't you feel excited to go to work? Aren't you disturbed that you haven't found something in your life that makes you wake up in the morning and just want to go out and do it? Don't you feel inadequate by being defined as simply "a wife"? Don't you want to volunteer with a non-profit organization, take up a hobby like photography, become a mother? JUST SAYING.

The whole "Real Housewives of Whatever Town" is the epitome of how lethargic (not sure that's even the right word to describe them) and pointless their lives are: endless days of facials, pedicures, shopping, and gossiping. Is that what a whole generation of girls envy and look forward to when they become SAHWs?

This workaholic actually went to work yesterday. (I defensively said to Brian: "Just for 30 minutes, and it was sort of on the way to the beach with the dog!").

Today, I started cooking the Sauerbraten in the crockpot. I got a pedicure. I walked the dog for an hour. I went to four different stores and bought six outfits for Peanut off the clearance racks for $10. I ironed Brian's work clothes. I watched hours of daytime TV.

I miss work. I really love teaching. I miss the students. I miss being productive.

I can't wait to be a mother.

My mom arrives from Taiwan on Monday night! (She'll be here for two months to help me and Peanut out.)

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How come you're not at work?

I think it would be okay to not work IF I had a plethora of friends who also didn't work and we could do stuff. But I would HAVE to volunteer. In fact, if I didn't work 50+ hours a week now I would so be volunteering. I love it.

Yay re: your mom coming. How long has it been since you've seen her?

When the school year started in September, I wasn't sure how I'd feel near the end of my pregnancy. I had gotten some advice (horror stories) about how tired/exhausted women felt near the end, and when I did the math on when to start maternity leave, I figured I'd take the 12 weeks of Family Leave, working backwards from when our school summer holidays begin-- which left me at March 19th.

(i.e. if I worked up to my EDD of April 5th, I'd only be granted 10 weeks of Family Leave anyhow, as summer holidays would begin).
But now I'm finding I really don't need the rest/break, but oh well!

I think it would make a huge difference if I had friends to hang out with and do stuff with! I'm walking around the stores and it's no fun shopping by yourself!

I saw my mom last year in May 2009 for my cousin's wedding. I mostly see her about once every one or two years. My dad less often, as my mother and I alternate visiting one another. (i.e. I see my dad on alternate visits, so I see him every 2 - 3 years)

Edited 2010-03-26 15:35 (UTC)

Actually, a good number of the Real Housewives do have careers and full time jobs. Yes, they're also socialites and rich, so they spend a lot of time dressing up and going to parties, too, but the majority of them are not actually just housewives.

If I had the option of not working, I would take it, or work part-time at something I loved, if money was no issue (or volunteer, or nanny, or something). Since I have bills to pay, I'll stick with the drudge of the 9-5 (which, for now, I am okay with, I like my job/company now).

I'm not sure inadequate is fair - depending on this imaginary husband's job and its demands, maintaining the home and chores and cooking, etc could be a full-time job in itself. And some people are happy doing that! I could use a stay at home wife to do all that for me :)

I have to admit, I don't really watch the show very religiously. I was watching the New York version the other day, and it seemed LuAnn (the Countess) and Jill both didn't work. Bethenny (the single girl) works as a chef? And Ramona has a job (but unclear what she does)?

How many hours in a day could household chores and cooking possibly take up in a day, and for how many days of the week? I've been off all week, and honestly, you don't do that much cleaning/cooking in a 40-hour work week!

I (ashamedly) do. The Countess does charity things a lot. I don't know about her job - she just divorced The Count, so she'll probably have to do something. Bethenny is a personal chef. Jill owns and runs Zarin Fabrics with her husband. Ramona runs a jewelry company with her husband.

If I had a bigger house, it would require a lot more upkeep, for sure. A one-bedroom apartment, no, not a 40 hour job. But there's also laundry, grocery shopping, errands, bills, maintenance (if you own), all kinds of stuff I wish I had time for!

I'm just saying I don't really think it's fair to say someone else's choice should make them feel inadequate, if that IS the thing they're passionate about. There are still a lot of women out there that feel they should serve their husband and take care of him. You and I might not agree with that sentiment, but if it works for them (and they are, most importantly, happy and fulfilled in that life, then more power to them.

Maybe it's because Brian and I have always worked two 40-hour/week jobs *and* still take care of household chores, the "free time" of 40 additional hours seems.... excessive?

What I mean is, Brian and I both work full-time jobs, and I still cook about 5 dinners a week, we do laundry, grocery shopping, errands, bills, and we still own a house (on top of our 2-bedroom apartment) so we have to do maintenance/repairs as landlords.

If they are passionate about cleaning/housekeeping, why not volunteer as an aide for the elderly? Or help at at a Veterans Hospital? Soup kitchen? The homeless shelter? They certainly could use volunteers who are passionate about such things. We'll have to agree to disagree on the subject, I suppose, because I just feel there should more purpose to anyone's life than serving and caring for a significant other; some aspect of giving back, charity, and volunteerism.

I agree with the last paragraph. The reason I'd never date a doctor is because all of the doctors I grew up around had a wife who did everything for them, since they generally didn't have time for anything but work. The wives did everything from taking care of the house (including yard work and repairs), to handling all of the household paperwork, making any phone calls that were needed, picking up dry cleaning and whatever random crap their husbands ever needed from the store, etc. Often they'd end up doing something work-related for the husband as well. Even without kids, that shit can take up your whole day. Generally the wife could have a career, but for the sake of their partnership they've decided it's more important to both of them that she takes care of all of those things.

And that's why I worked until I went into labor! My sister started her maternity leave 2 weeks before she was due with her first and was bored silly for 3.5 weeks until she was induced. If I was having a difficult pregnancy with health problems or had a ton of stuff I needed to take care of before becoming a parent, I would have started my maternity leave earlier...maybe.

So I say, go into work if you want to! Be productive with things that you enjoy doing!

Do you feel this changes once you've already had a child? I'm wondering if this feeling of boredom changes if I already had a toddler/child running around, so thought I'd pick your brain on that.

The things that change for a new parent are completely different for every individual. Our priorities completely changed when Malcolm was born. When I was on maternity leave, I realized that I no longer wanted to pursue my current career path because it wasn't conducive to having time to dedicate to my family. Both Tony and I grew up with our parents not being around much and we knew we didn't want that for our child(ren). When I was laid off from my job the week before my maternity leave was to end, I thought I'd give being a full-time parent a try.

Becoming a new parent can be completely overwhelming. Breastfeeding is often quite challenging at first. Figuring out what your crying newborn needs is frustrating. Caring for your newborn is all-consuming unless your little girl ends up being a baby that sleeps often. I would suggest seeing if you can find a new parent support group in your area. Not only would it be a great resource for help, but it's also a way for you to connect with other new parents.

If you do not have very many friends who are parents and you are needing support, please feel free to give me a call. It's great that your mom will be there, but it's often good to get advice from multiple people and also have someone to talk to about the advice you are getting from your mom.

I don't get people like that either. Or people who work their whole lives in jobs just for the money (and I don't mean people who have no choice but to work and support their families). I could never either do nothing nor could I work long in a job I wasn't passionate about.

I dreaded my maternity leave and could not wait to get back to work. Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM.

Yes, it just seems such an unfulfilled life. And life is too short to be stuck doing something you hate! Take the leap, go try something new, pursue your dreams!

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I don't dread them-- I actually love to grocery shop and cook, and cleaning makes me feel accomplished. However, I firmly believe we are all put on this planet to contribute to society. Our existence on this planet is more than just about surviving the day-- it should be about consciously choosing to live-- to give back to our communities when we can and be charitable to our neighbors. That we are all blessed with different talents and skills, and we should do our best to help others less fortunate than us.

And I can't help but feel that people who are capable of, but choose not to, are as petulant and selfish as the teenagers I see on MTV.

That's awesome that your mom is coming and is able to stay for so long. My mom will probably get to visit for 5 days max. :-( I, too, do not understand how anyone could be fulfilled by simply being a SAHW. If you don't have children, housekeeping shouldn't be that big a deal if you don't have a job. I start going stir crazy after 2 weeks.

*laugh* We'll see! Maybe I'll want to wring her neck after a few weeks of "well, I used to do it this way..." comments. Plus it's a small 2-bedroom apartment, three sleep-deprived adults and a newborn baby? Could be interesting!!!

No, in all seriousness, I"m so excited to see her!

My irritation comes when those people aren't productive even when they SHOULD be.
Case in point: I have a very sweet, but I think clueless at times, friend whom I met here on LJ. Here husband had a military job but then did not reenlist and they thought he could get a job out of the military and then he didnt...and they struggled and struggled and struggled and she still didn't get a job because supposedly the only jobs that she could get would be fast food or gas stations. I'm sorry, but at that point I would do anything I had to do to get through that time and support my family... But, then again, it wasn't me so I probably don't know the whole story. I would rather not be working now, but if I got a job in L&D...I would be in HEAVEN. Thinking about making a job for myself and becoming a midwife! :)

I think you'd be a great midwife!! I can totally picture you doing that.

I am not a SAHW and I don't think I would be given the choice. During the few times in my life I've been unemployed for a while, I go insane with the housekeeping and cooking, and then get stir-crazy after a couple of weeks and end up taking on about a zillion art projects and library books and watching a zillion movies just to have stuff to do.
I think for me what I have now-- part-time at a job I like-- is the right balance. I have time to cook and craft without feeling rushed or out of balance. I don't make a huge salary or anything, but our combined income is more than enough to live on and we are happy besides.. :-)

I think I enjoyed being SAHW for two months, when I first got here after marriage. I really needed that break then. And then I just got bored. Also adding to the fact that I didn't know anyone here locally.

Even while I was working in KL at times going out with friends for dinner used to feel a bit wasted time. call me weird but yeah.... the funny thing is I am turning out to be like my dad!! And to think how much I used to argue with him.... he is Mr. Workaholic King!

Anyhow, this is one thing that's sitting at the back of my mind. How I will handle being a SAHM. With all the excitement I haven't put much thought to it.

And the Real Housewives shows drive me crazy... they just seem so superficial. I tried watching one episode and am usually done after 5 minutes. But I guess whatever makes you happy!

Wow. I've been away from Livejournal for a great long time. Congrats!

PS: I'm not really anonymous.

Yes, yes you have!! :D

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