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i see the end, and it is near (nursing Erika, that is)
I think I caught the flu last Monday (throwing up, chills, mild fever, aches, etc.) that left me crying in the corner for 2 days. My milk production took a big hit and now, 10+ days later, it hasn't returned. For the past 10 days, I've had to supplement Erika with frozen stashed breastmilk, on average, 4 - 5 oz. per day.
This has left me feeling a little sad that the end is near, but not panicked at all. Considering that, at one point when Erika was around 6 months old, Brian came home from work and I looked at him, burst into tears, sobbing "I'm behind! I pumped 2 oz. less than what Erika drank today! What are we going to DO!?!?!" I mean, I was hysterical. Yet, here I am, very calmly accepting the end.
Nursing Erika has been great. If I could nurse her forever and she was willing, I probably would.
But pumping? I hate pumping. Pumping makes me a crazed nut playing the numbers game and the "what-if" game. (Did I pump enough? How much will she drink? Why are my numbers down? Should I pump now or wait? Should I feed Erika a bottle or nurse her? Should I leave it in the fridge or freeze it?)
Pumping doesn't hurt, but pumping is really inconvenient and embarrassing. There are no private rooms at work. The room I pump in is a 10x10 foot Nurses Room with a work desk, a cabinet full of Epipens, Advil and Band-Aids, and a bench for sick students to lie down on. The Nurse is always in the room, so I interrupt her daily and waits outside the door till I am done. Half the time, there is a sick student lying on the bench, who I also have to discreetly ask for them to drag their sick body out of the room. Then I have a Nurse and Sick Student standing outside, listening while my pump goes SUCK-SUCK-SUCK. I know they can hear me, because I can hear their conversation on the other side of the door.
Once, a teacher was sick with vertigo, and she just couldn't move. So I found myself pumping next to her. She politely closed her eyes. She kept apologizing. What else can you say to a colleague who has her breasts exposed, attached to suction pumps?
Did I mention the door does not lock? It's another reason the Nurse stands outside the door. She really is the Guard. Twice she had left to eat her lunch, and despite the "do not enter" sign on the door, someone opened the door. I angrily yelped "CLOSE THAT DOOR NOW!!!" Trying to pump while being paranoid that your students are going to walk in on you, or the knowledge that students outside in the office hallway can hear you--- they do a real number on your pumping output.
I only pump once a day at work, because it's the only break I'm allowed. My prep period on one day is the first thing in the morning (I would've pumped before leaving the house), or on the alternate day, it's before lunch (and I would pump during lunch). During lunch, I have administrative duties, cafeteria duties, I have meeting with parents, I have make-up tests to administer for absent students, I have "professional learning community" meetings to attend, I'm the senior class advisor, I'm a club coach, and between all of this, I have to find time to eat lunch... and pump.
Erika has been a distracted nurser on top of all of this. The TV? A person talking? The dog scratching his ear? A sneeze? The sound of leaves blowing? She stops nursing, jumps down, and crawls/walks over to the source. The only time she's interested in nursing is twice in the night. I know there are many babies out there who are "OMG GIVE ME BOOB MILK!" all the time, but Erika is a take-it-or-leave-it gal.
It is bittersweet because I love nursing her. I don't expect her to be a baby forever and I'm glad that she's growing up, but breastfeeding brings a closeness and a sense of intimacy that is indescribable and I will miss it. The pumping though, I am confident the moment she turns 1 year old, I will throw that dreaded pump into the closet and refuse to pump anymore!!
This has left me feeling a little sad that the end is near, but not panicked at all. Considering that, at one point when Erika was around 6 months old, Brian came home from work and I looked at him, burst into tears, sobbing "I'm behind! I pumped 2 oz. less than what Erika drank today! What are we going to DO!?!?!" I mean, I was hysterical. Yet, here I am, very calmly accepting the end.
Nursing Erika has been great. If I could nurse her forever and she was willing, I probably would.
But pumping? I hate pumping. Pumping makes me a crazed nut playing the numbers game and the "what-if" game. (Did I pump enough? How much will she drink? Why are my numbers down? Should I pump now or wait? Should I feed Erika a bottle or nurse her? Should I leave it in the fridge or freeze it?)
Pumping doesn't hurt, but pumping is really inconvenient and embarrassing. There are no private rooms at work. The room I pump in is a 10x10 foot Nurses Room with a work desk, a cabinet full of Epipens, Advil and Band-Aids, and a bench for sick students to lie down on. The Nurse is always in the room, so I interrupt her daily and waits outside the door till I am done. Half the time, there is a sick student lying on the bench, who I also have to discreetly ask for them to drag their sick body out of the room. Then I have a Nurse and Sick Student standing outside, listening while my pump goes SUCK-SUCK-SUCK. I know they can hear me, because I can hear their conversation on the other side of the door.
Once, a teacher was sick with vertigo, and she just couldn't move. So I found myself pumping next to her. She politely closed her eyes. She kept apologizing. What else can you say to a colleague who has her breasts exposed, attached to suction pumps?
Did I mention the door does not lock? It's another reason the Nurse stands outside the door. She really is the Guard. Twice she had left to eat her lunch, and despite the "do not enter" sign on the door, someone opened the door. I angrily yelped "CLOSE THAT DOOR NOW!!!" Trying to pump while being paranoid that your students are going to walk in on you, or the knowledge that students outside in the office hallway can hear you--- they do a real number on your pumping output.
I only pump once a day at work, because it's the only break I'm allowed. My prep period on one day is the first thing in the morning (I would've pumped before leaving the house), or on the alternate day, it's before lunch (and I would pump during lunch). During lunch, I have administrative duties, cafeteria duties, I have meeting with parents, I have make-up tests to administer for absent students, I have "professional learning community" meetings to attend, I'm the senior class advisor, I'm a club coach, and between all of this, I have to find time to eat lunch... and pump.
Erika has been a distracted nurser on top of all of this. The TV? A person talking? The dog scratching his ear? A sneeze? The sound of leaves blowing? She stops nursing, jumps down, and crawls/walks over to the source. The only time she's interested in nursing is twice in the night. I know there are many babies out there who are "OMG GIVE ME BOOB MILK!" all the time, but Erika is a take-it-or-leave-it gal.
It is bittersweet because I love nursing her. I don't expect her to be a baby forever and I'm glad that she's growing up, but breastfeeding brings a closeness and a sense of intimacy that is indescribable and I will miss it. The pumping though, I am confident the moment she turns 1 year old, I will throw that dreaded pump into the closet and refuse to pump anymore!!